Cheers and Jeers: Thursday

 Cheers and Jeers: Thursday

Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, January 21, 2021

Note: Today is Squirrel Appreciation Day. This site recommends that you dress up your dog like a squirrel. I would add: only if you have a death wish.

By the Numbers:

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5 days!!!

Days ’til Australia Day: 5

Day on which the covid death toll officially hit 400,000: 1/19/21

Year that the 5-inch-thick Bible Joe Biden was sworn in on as president was acquired by the Biden family: 1893

Number of consecutive inaugurations Joe Biden has attended, including 9 as senator, three as VP, and 1 as president: 13

Jump in the stock market since Joe Biden was elected: 13%

Percent of Americans polled by Gallup in 2016 who said President Barack Obama would go down as an outstanding or above-average president: 42%

Percent who today believe he was an outstanding or above-average president: 56%

Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:

The recent death of Gene McCarthy reminded me of a lesson I spent a long, long time unlearning, so now I have to re-learn it. It’s about political courage and heroes, and when a country is desperate for leadership. There are times when regular politics will not do, and this is one of those times. There are times a country is so tired of bull that only the truth can provide relief.

Molly Ivins

What kind of courage does it take, for mercy’s sake? The majority of the American people (55 percent) think the war in Iraq is a mistake and that we should get out. The majority (65 percent) of the American people want single-payer health care and are willing to pay more taxes to get it. The majority (86 percent) of the American people favor raising the minimum wage. The majority of the American people (60 percent) favor repealing Bush’s tax cuts, or at least those that go only to the rich. The majority (66 percent) wants to reduce the deficit not by cutting domestic spending, but by reducing Pentagon spending or raising taxes.

The majority (77 percent) thinks we should do “whatever it takes” to protect the environment. The majority (87 percent) thinks big oil companies are gouging consumers and would support a windfall profits tax. That is the center, you fools. WHO ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

—January 2006

Puppy Pic of the Day: Corporate Dogmerica…

CHEERS to a pleasant day at the Mall. The sun was shining and the birds were singing as the peaceful transfer of power took place yesterday in the United States of America. The Capitol building, cleaned and polished after the attempted Republican insurrection, was resplendent as history was made once more. A few thoughts on January 20, 2021:

»  First and foremost: Congratulations, Scranton—you produced a fine young Democrat there.  Make more.

»  Hours before the proceedings began, Joe’s predecessor, whose name escapes me, boarded Air Force One and flew back to the only state where he feels welcome: denial.

»  Joe and Kamala were greeted as liberators with sweets and flowers. Unfortunately they were leftover sweets and flowers from the time we weren’t greeted that way in Iraq, so it was mostly just calcified stems and petrified Rolos. But it’s the thought that counts, right?

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»  You can read the president’s powerful, plain-spoken inaugural speech here. The bottom line if we’re going to survive as a country (or, for that matter, a planet): “Recent weeks and months have taught us a painful lesson. There is truth and there are lies—lies told for power and for profit. And each of us has a duty and responsibility, as citizens, as Americans, and especially as leaders—leaders who have pledged to honor our Constitution and protect our nation—to defend the truth and to defeat the lies.” In other words: be more like Daily Kos, you heathen.

»  Because things ran ahead of schedule, Lady Gaga held the high note on the National Anthem for 7 minutes and 22 seconds. The Guinness Book will be calling to congratulate her on the new record, right after her uvula gets out of traction.

»  National Youth Poet Laureate Amanda Gorman, 22, wowed the world with her poem The Hill We Climb. Who knew there were so many words that rhymed with Nantucket?

»  As for the Republican insurrectionist rabble, who promised to turn out by the millions at the Capitol and every state house to ensure that Joe didn’t get sworn in? Well, let’s just say they had more pressing video game and pork rind-related matters to tend to:

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»  Thing I’m looking forward to: President Biden awarding the Medal of Freedom to President Obama.

»  As of this morning, Vice President Harris hasn’t shot any lawyers in the face with birdshot. I’m not sure she’s entirely familiar with her job description yet.

Oh, we simply must do this again sometime.

CHEERS to the new kids on the Hill. Talk about hitting the ground running. One of Vice President Harris’s first duties was tending to the swearing-in of Senators Jon Ossoff (D-GA and at 33 the youngest senator since…Joe Biden), Rev. Raphael Warnock (D-GA and senior pastor at MLK Jr.’s church in Atlanta), and Alex Padilla (D-CA and first Latino senator from the state), thus securing a 50-50 chamber with Harris her own bad self as the tie-breaker. That means, as of yesterday, the U.S. Senate is now under Democratic control, and no one could be happier than this guy, who finally grabbed the brass ring of brass rings:

WASHINGTON, DC - MARCH 02:  Senate Democratic Leader Charles Schumer answers questions at the U.S. Capitol during a press conference on reports of U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions meeting with the Russian ambassador during the 2016 presidential campaign March 2, 2017 in Washington, DC.  Schumer called for the resignation of Sessions and the establishment of a special prosecutor to investigate alleged contact between the campaign of U.S. President Donald Trump and members of the Russian government.  (Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images)
“Hey, Mitch! I put your shit out in the hallway, buddy.”

And the cherry on top: all the committees are now controlled by Democrats. But Republicans say they still have important work to do, even in the minority. Namely, word jumbles, sudoku, acrostics, spot-the-differences, crosswords…

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Boy, the one-percenters sure got their money’s worth outta these guys.

JEERS to John Q. Corporation: Super Citizen!!! Eleven years ago today, five conservative activist judges on the Supreme Court delivered their verdict on our system of government: it’s for sale to the highest bidder. Citizens United is now a four-letter two-words to anyone who values clean and fair campaign financing.  But we now know that there’s a rather sizable silver lining in the wake of that decision.  Those idiot Justices, who agreed that “corporations are people,” pissed off so many people that the billionaires and their Super PAC lapdogs got run over by a grassroots stampede in 2012 and subsequent elections.  Money is still huge and often decisive, hence the need to do something to curb the tidal wave of cash.  But it’s not a bell that automatically makes us drool over a candidate when the remaining Koch brother rings it. Unless, I concede, the candidate’s name is Bucket O. Ribs.

BRIEF SANITY BREAK

END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

CHEERS to helpful notices.  If you have health insurance through the federal exchange, here’s something we got this week in our inbox, courtesy of the Federal Ministry of Death Panels:

Keep an eye on your mail in the coming weeks!  If you or anyone in your household enrolled in a health plan through the Health Insurance Marketplace in 2020, you’ll get Form 1095-A—Health Insurance Marketplace Statement.

380238 03: Pediatrician Wilma Bausas examines Jonathan Valdez, 2, during his visit to the Centro de Salud Familiar La Fe, Inc. health clinic October 14, 2000 in El Paso, Texas. Texas ranks second to last (49th out of 50 states) in the nation in the percentage of children without health insurance. About 1.4 million children in Texas are uninsured. (Photo by Joe Raedle/Newsmakers)
“How in the HELL did your father manage to build a model ship in there?”

The 1095-A provides information you’ll need to complete your Federal income tax returns. Keep it with your important tax records, like the W-2 you get from your employer.  And later this month, you can also get a copy of your 1095-A by logging into your Marketplace account on HealthCare.gov.

They also say you can go to healthcare.gov/taxes for more info. As an incentive, everyone who completes and returns their taxes with no errors will receive a coupon redeemable for tossing one grandma off a cliff without a copay. As always—thanks, Obama!

CHEERS to the suds of our lives. Eighty-one years ago this week, canned beer made its debut in Richmond, Virginia: 

In partnership with the American Can Company, the Gottfried Krueger Brewing Company delivered 2,000 cans of Krueger’s Finest Beer and Krueger’s Cream Ale to faithful Krueger drinkers in Richmond, Virginia.

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Ninety-one percent of the drinkers approved of the canned beer, driving Krueger to give the green light to further production.

Which reminds me: what’s Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh’s favorite book in the whole world? Atlas Chugged.

Ten years ago in C&J: January 21, 2011

WAH to royal pains.  Ruh roh—with a hundred days before William and Kate tie the jolly old knot, Queen Elizabeth is pissed at her grandson for taking matters into his own hands.  But, blimey, it’s not like couples don’t run into run-of-the-mill dilemmas like this all the time:

The main source of the Queen’s displeasure is the wedding breakfast reception at Buckingham Palace. … When the proposal for it to be a buffet reception was brought up, the Queen only said that she will consider the idea.  Now William has announced it before her official approval. … [B]y the time that reception is finished at around 3:30 in the afternoon, all the fine china and crystal have to be cleared, hand-washed, and reset, and then another multi-course meal prepared for several hundred more guests just a few hours later for dinner.  Logistically, it will be a nightmare.

Kids these days.  What can ya do?

And just one more…

BREAKING! C&J has obtained an exclusive transcript of the Bidens’ first night in the White House:

“What a day!”

“Phew, yeah, Honey…what a day!”

“I’m exhausted. Could you get the light, Joe?”

“I surely can, Jill. Honest to god, hand on my heart. I will not only get the light, I will shine the light for all Americans and show them the way through the darkness. It is a light that arises from the hopes and dreams of the old and the young, the black and white and yellow and red and brown, the gay and the straight, the rich and the poor. It is a light on whose rays the promise of hope…and opportunity…and unity…all soaring to a distant, brighter future. I really mean it, I really do, no joke. But it will take all of us, working together in a spirit of shared sacrifice and commitment, to make that light a beacon of progress and never, ever, ever, ever wavering. And I say to you tonight, and this is no malarkey, ladies and gentleman, I really mean this: This is our moment. This is our bedtime. That’s not hyperbole. This is…”

“Oh fer heaven’s sake never mind, Joe, I’ll do it myself. Good night.”

[Click!]

“…and may God protect our troops.”

Have a nice Thursday. I know I will. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial

Scripture tells us to envision that everyone shall sit in their own Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool and no one shall make them afraid

If we’re to live up to our own time, then victory won’t lie in the blade, but in all the candy corn we’ve made.

Amanda Gorman

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